We Take Another Step

Yesterday started out with me waking up at 3am with a fever and kind of went down from there. Today was the day we were going to find out about her therapy. Would she need chemo? Would radiation be good enough? I can't be sick, I can't miss this appointment. I've been there for every one of her appointments, I couldn't miss this one.

I made myself get up to take a shower and managed to get Zach to school. As soon as I got back home I crashed in the recliner where I would remain for the next 4 hours. God gave me much needed sleep. When I woke up I still wasn't feeling well but at least I did feel like I could make her 1:45pm appointment. Thank you Jesus.

So, we get ready, say our ritualistic pre-appointment prayer and head out. Allison drives so I can rest. I love her. We pick up her mom and drive to the same building where just a few years earlier Alice (Allison's mom) made frequent visits to take care of the melanoma that developed on her arm. In the lobby she says "I was hoping never to come back here again".

We've been to many doctors and we've seen many lobbies...this one is different. These people are sick. You can just tell. Over here a lady has a hat on obviously covering where she used to have hair. In the seat across from her is a man who isn't hiding his baldness. Another lady wheeled in on a hospital bed. Seriously? This is where we're supposed to be? I don't like this at all.

We're called back and head to "Exam Room #1". The African American nurse has a "cancer ribbon" shaved into the back of her hair. These people are serious about cancer. Dr. Christman comes in and I immediately recognize her from our meeting a couple of months ago. She has an angel pendant on and I know we've made the right decision choosing her to help us through this.

"That's why I'm recommending chemo...", those are the words we were actually preparing ourselves to hear but its different when you really hear them. A small part of me was still hanging on to the hope that chemo wouldn't be needed. Allison told me later she was also holding on to that hope. For the next 30 minutes she talks about the different chemo drugs, their side effects, drugs to control the side effects, benefits, etc. We ask the practical questions, "when does my hair start falling out", "how long does this take"...you know, the "how will this affect my life" questions. Dr. Christman is patient and has excellent bad side manner, she pauses occasionally so everything can "sink in". She hands Allison Kleenex's as she sees the tears coming and she hugs...not many doctors hug.

We're supposed to think about everything and call her back by Friday with our decision. Unfortunately I think we've already decided.

Father, we didn't get the news we had hoped for. I am confident that you still have a plan, one that prospers us, not harms us. But right now its hard to see past our current circumstances. Hold us and comfort us as we go through the days ahead. Grant peace, joy and wisdom. And thank you Father for hearing the many prayers lifted on our behalf. Your children are strong and uplifting, the Body, healing itself. I'm so happy you don't get tired of carrying us, because today we need to be carried...I love you, its in Jesus' name...