Good Riddance 2010

I've always been a very optimistic person, but I gotta admit, that 2010 has been one terrible year. Dad had a heart attack to start it off, Allison's dad was in and out of the hospital all year, problems at work, problems at home and to top it off the woman I pledged to be with "in sickness and in health" decided to test the "in sickness" part.

It's been 3 days since her first chemo treatment. She's actually been doing really well but today has been one of those "I just want to lay down" day. She doesn't have a lot of energy to do much so we're just enjoying some end of year college football together. Her taste buds are doing some wacky things and she doesn't have much of a taste for anything. The things she normally enjoys doesn't have much appeal to her, I think she might be getting a little frustrated with it.

I feel like we're just sitting around waiting for the "side effects" to kick in. "How are you feeling now?" "How about now?"... She had a strange tingling sensation in her head last night, other than that she's just been tired.

She bought a wig a week or so ago, its sitting in the bathroom on a stand...dang thing scares me every time I turn on the light! Great looking wig but I'm just always like "who the...." every time I walk in the room. Lord, how I wish I could take this away from her. If we could only wake up from this bad dream and move on with our lives.

Like I say, this year has been a very rough year, by far the worst year of my life. Until 2010, I was able to always say that "this year was even better than last year"...not 2010, just seems like it was one valley after another. But through it all, I have to say I developed a much closer relationship to my Maker, my Provider, my Almighty God. They say (who is "they" anyway?) that trials make us stronger, more like the man/woman God intended us to be. I never really understood that until 2010. I have a completely different outlook on life and on my relationship to God.

For the last couple of years I've created a "word of the year" for myself. In 2009 it was "Perspective", in 2010 it was "Edify". I'm still pondering my 2011 word of the year. Some of the finalist are: Endure, Sustain, Thankful, Patiently Await, Trust, Grateful, Stand Fast, Fearless, Integrity, Contentment, Committed, Abide, Believe and Consistency. I don't think I can go wrong with any of these. Funny how these are the words floating around in my head right now.

So, bring it on 2011...you have GOT to be better than your earlier brother! Father, this year has been difficult, I don't think I've ever faced so many trials before in my entire life. For that reason I thank you. I've been blessed to have so many "good" years in my life. There's no way I deserved it but You gave them to me anyway. Now we've found a year where we've had more struggles than blessings but even through that You've "shown off"...I pray for mercy, grace and wisdom in 2011 and I pray that Allison would see her Creator in a fresh new way in this upcoming year. You are Sovereign, You are holding us. And we love you, in Jesus' name...

When The Rain Comes

I heard a song this morning for the first time, "When The Rain Comes" by Third Day (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFXni5L4E3k)... It said exactly what I wanted to say to Allison on this, her first day of chemotherapy. We've both been very emotional for the last 2 days, we've been scared but strong, nervous but determined, lonely but held. The flood of texts, emails and Facebook comments are overwhelming and I know many are standing in the gap on our behalf lifting us up to the Father. Without our faith, our family and our friends I don't know what we'd do, we are so blessed. But still the tears come...

I follow Max Lucado on Twitter, I can't explain how his words touch me and have especially encouraged me over the last few months as we've traveled this journey. This morning I sent him a message via Twitter asking him to pray for Allison. He actually replied! "Will do, Chris"... short and sweet but how encouraging to know he read my words and that Max Lucado was actually praying for us. Wow. I know, I know, some may say that was his secretary or whatever, but I don't think so. I've followed him long enough to know his "tweets" are personal. I sincerely think he personally replied. I don't know...that was just very special to me.

We arrive at the Cancer Center of the Carolinas 20 minutes early for our appointment (pretty much as we always do). After a short wait in the lobby we're called back. We meet Jennifer, Dr. Christman's nurse. Extremely sweet and professional, as everyone has been toward us all along. After a quick tour of the canteen and restrooms she leads us back to "the room". Its a large room filled with an alternating assortment of recliner-type chairs for patients and standard "waiting room" chairs for guests. There was enough room for 10-12 patients I guess and on this day it looks like we're patient #7. We're told we can sit anywhere so we choose the lonely looking recliner over in the corner. Maybe no one will see us over here. Maybe the nurse will forget about us and Allison won't have to do this.

The other 6 patients actually "look" like they have cancer, most are females, most with decorative caps covering their balding heads. Its quiet except for the music playing...I recognize the group singing...its Third Day! The same group I had heard earlier this morning. After this song is over a song by Casting Crowns comes on...huh? Its a Christian radio station....wow another blessing!

Jennifer comes over and talks with us about what is about to happen and Allison has a hard time controlling her tears. This is really happening. Its not happening to someone we know, its happening to us! Its not a bad dream, we're very much awake however it IS a nightmare. But our Father continues to hold us, to carry us and to bless us.

For the next 3 hours I watch them place bag after bag on the IV rack and I sit patiently watching as they pump my bride full of a toxic healer. At one point along the way I question myself, what kind of husband am I to voluntarily allow these strangers to do this to her? "Trust me", He whispers.

Next to us is a 50-something year old African American lady whose mother is hooked up to the IV rack. She's a "veteran", she knows her way around the room better than some of the nurses. She notices an old man across the room who is cold and leaves the room only to return with 2 warm blankets, one for the old man, one for my "rookie" wife. "Here sweetie, you look cold too". For the last hour of the day we talk with her, shared our faith, she shared her's and again...the Body healing itself occurs. God "showing off" once again. She tells Allison to take care of herself, her immune system will be low. She says "no more hugs or handshakes, you tell 'em if they need to touch you to give you a fist bump like this" as she demonstrates the art of the fist bump.

As the last bit of chemo drips from the IV, Jennifer unhooks everything and tells us we're free to leave but to stop by the scheduler's office and get our next appointment. She's very happy at how well Allison took the treatment. Now we just have to wait and see what side effects it all brings. I ask our "veteran" helper what her name was, "Brenda" she tells me as she gives me a big hug. "I'll be praying for you Brenda, thanks for talking with us"..."I'll be praying for you too, you're gonna be just fine", she releases the hug, turns to Allison and gives her...a fist bump.

God's children are amazing, I may never see Brenda again but she was our angel today.

A Merry Christmas?

Strange, but last year (Christmas 2009) didn't really seem like Christmas and I remember thinking "next year I'm gonna really enjoy Christmas, get in the spirit"...oh what I'd give to have last year's Christmas all over again. Don't get me wrong, I actually did make a concerted effort to enjoy this Christmas despite everything that's going on. And I have, I actually have. Allison and I have shopped together, had dinners out together and we've really had a fun Christmas season.

The reality of the events of next week has started to make its ugly appearance in my thoughts and dreams. "I'll be strong for her", I tell myself. And I pray daily for that strength because Lord knows I can't find it within myself alone.

Allison went yesterday and bought a wig, sorry, a "cranial prosthesis" as its called on the receipt and as I will call it when I explain it to Cigna. Dr. Christman wrote a prescription for it so I'm hopeful. It looks great, it seriously looks like Allison's real hair. But as beautiful as it is, I catch myself hating the fact that she has to shop for this while others are shopping for toys, clothes and snowman ornaments. It doesn't seem fair and I've complained to God about it many times. And He's patiently listened to my rants and softly replied "Chris, you don't want me to be fair, you want me to be gracious and merciful." He's so right...it would be "fair" for us to be miserable and dying because of our sin, but our Lord is compassionate and carries us through trials to make us more like Him. And he does carry us, He doesn't simply present a trial and walk away. He doesn't even expect us walk the entire way, he "carries" us if we only trust Him.

So once again this year I find myself thinking "next year I'm gonna really enjoy Christmas". I promise to never take good times for granted and to enjoy each day (or at least try really, really hard). So, remembering that the greatest Christmas Gift was delivered on Easter Sunday...Happy Birthday Jesus, thank you for coming to this dark, filthy place...thank you for experiencing (and conquering) life's trials and for carrying us through ours.

Information Overload...

Today was our first visit with Dr. Zurenko, our new radiation oncologist. We were originally assigned Dr. Grisell but after the office found out we live in Lyman they said we could see Dr. Zurenko in Greer if we wanted to. Dr. Grisell was nice and everything but we were willing to see another doctor if it meant easier trips. After all, we're talking 30+ radiation visits so the closer the better. (Take that Exxon!)

Dr. Zurenko was just a regular guy. I really liked him alot. Easy to talk to, very good "bed side manner". Allison was a little less enthused than I was. When I asked why..."I like female doctors". I tried to make her laugh, "females aren't smart enough to be radiation oncologists"....OK, no smile, she's not liking that answer too much. But all in all, she actually did like him so he's a "keeper".

He talks about the process. He jokes, saying that the drive over to the hospital will take longer than the procedure will actually take. He says after having gone through chemo, this is a breeze. Once a day for 5 weeks she'll have a "broad" treatment, then for the next week and a half she'll have 8 more "targeted" treatments for a grand total of 33. Her boob should glow in the dark when its all over! OK, I just made that up, but wouldn't that be cool (and scary at the same time)? :)

We leave from there and drive to our next appointment...Dr. Christman's office to go over the chemo process that she begins on December 28. This is the building where my bride will be pumped full of poison and as much as I want to hate this place and its people I can't help but feel a sense of peace by all the angels, Bibles and Christian "fish" I see everywhere. Like I said before, these people are serious about cancer and really care about the people that are forced to go there. I say "forced" because now that we're going through it, I can't see how anyone would ever volunteer for this.

Allison has blood drawn and we move to a familiar location...another exam room. It looks the same as all the others...blood pressure device on the wall, exam table, sink, syringe container, purple sterile gloves...God help us, I'm beginning to hate the appearance of all this. Lu Ann is our nurse practitioner, very nice but still I giggle (you know, my immature sense of humor). The only "Lu Ann" I know is Lu Ann Poovie, Gomer Pyle's girlfriend. The whole time she's talking all I hear is this blonde Southern Bell saying "I love you Gomuh".

Lu Ann gives us 6 prescriptions to have filled...oh boy. These are to help with the side effects of the chemo. Are you serious?? Can we not find a cure for this disease please?!? Allison has never taken medication, none of us have really. Only on the rare occasion that we have had to go to the doctor and gotten a "Z Pack" or something. Allison is a lightweight when it comes to medication, if the box says "may cause drowsiness" then it generally sends her into an 8 hour coma so this is going to be very interesting.

At home we talk about the day's events. Allison had mentioned weeks ago before we knew if she would even need chemo or not..."why shouldn't I have to go through chemo, what makes me so good that I should think I don't have to go through what so many others have had to go through"? Its THAT kind of attitude that makes me love her more today than I did on our wedding day 21+ years ago. All of a sudden God speaks... I don't know why but often friends and family tend to feel comfortable enough with us to discuss their "issues". Everyone has them, you know. And many times we've offered advice and encouragement. But up until now we have simply been blessed and haven't truly had a difficult trial, or at least nothing like what we're going through now. Through this trial and how we handle it, hopefully God will provide us the opportunity to tell others going through similar crises how He carried us through ours. And maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to put into words how gracious our God was and how faithful He is in carrying us through our most difficult trials if we will only trust Him.

We Take Another Step

Yesterday started out with me waking up at 3am with a fever and kind of went down from there. Today was the day we were going to find out about her therapy. Would she need chemo? Would radiation be good enough? I can't be sick, I can't miss this appointment. I've been there for every one of her appointments, I couldn't miss this one.

I made myself get up to take a shower and managed to get Zach to school. As soon as I got back home I crashed in the recliner where I would remain for the next 4 hours. God gave me much needed sleep. When I woke up I still wasn't feeling well but at least I did feel like I could make her 1:45pm appointment. Thank you Jesus.

So, we get ready, say our ritualistic pre-appointment prayer and head out. Allison drives so I can rest. I love her. We pick up her mom and drive to the same building where just a few years earlier Alice (Allison's mom) made frequent visits to take care of the melanoma that developed on her arm. In the lobby she says "I was hoping never to come back here again".

We've been to many doctors and we've seen many lobbies...this one is different. These people are sick. You can just tell. Over here a lady has a hat on obviously covering where she used to have hair. In the seat across from her is a man who isn't hiding his baldness. Another lady wheeled in on a hospital bed. Seriously? This is where we're supposed to be? I don't like this at all.

We're called back and head to "Exam Room #1". The African American nurse has a "cancer ribbon" shaved into the back of her hair. These people are serious about cancer. Dr. Christman comes in and I immediately recognize her from our meeting a couple of months ago. She has an angel pendant on and I know we've made the right decision choosing her to help us through this.

"That's why I'm recommending chemo...", those are the words we were actually preparing ourselves to hear but its different when you really hear them. A small part of me was still hanging on to the hope that chemo wouldn't be needed. Allison told me later she was also holding on to that hope. For the next 30 minutes she talks about the different chemo drugs, their side effects, drugs to control the side effects, benefits, etc. We ask the practical questions, "when does my hair start falling out", "how long does this take"...you know, the "how will this affect my life" questions. Dr. Christman is patient and has excellent bad side manner, she pauses occasionally so everything can "sink in". She hands Allison Kleenex's as she sees the tears coming and she hugs...not many doctors hug.

We're supposed to think about everything and call her back by Friday with our decision. Unfortunately I think we've already decided.

Father, we didn't get the news we had hoped for. I am confident that you still have a plan, one that prospers us, not harms us. But right now its hard to see past our current circumstances. Hold us and comfort us as we go through the days ahead. Grant peace, joy and wisdom. And thank you Father for hearing the many prayers lifted on our behalf. Your children are strong and uplifting, the Body, healing itself. I'm so happy you don't get tired of carrying us, because today we need to be carried...I love you, its in Jesus' name...

Preparing...

Yesterday we attended the funeral of Bud Eubanks, the epitome of Christian service who fought for several years against a disease I've grown to hate. Earlier in the week I attended the visitation of a godly coworker whose wife lost her battle as well. Battle...Fight, we hear these words and in the past I've just sort of blown them off. Yeah OK you're "fighting" cancer, but did I really ever stop to think how true this actually is? I don't think so. This disease can be beat, countless others have been able to do it (with God's help I might add). But why do some win these "battles" and others don't? These were godly people. They loved Jesus just like I love Jesus. Everyone wonders the same thing, always have..."why do bad things happen to good people"? Then He tells me, "to bring Glory and Honor to me Chris".

Trials have a way of almost forcing us to turn to the One who can truly help us. People "fight" this "battle" but only God determines victory. And regardless of the outcome, He WILL receive the Honor and Glory that is His in the first place.

Last night Allison and I talked about all that's going on this week. Ever since seeing Dr. Blouin last week we just haven't really talked about "it". But last night I asked her, "so what do you think about Wednesday, what we'll hear?"...she's so strong..."I think they're going to tell me I need chemo and I'm preparing myself to hear that". Secretly I've been preparing to hear that too but I certainly didn't want to bring it up. Our prayer still continues to be that chemo won't be necessary but we're preparing ourselves and God is showing up in His perfect time with grace and strength to handle whatever we hear Wednesday.

On Friday we meet with Dr. Grisell, the radiation oncologist. We know she'll need radiation but we have to talk with Dr. Christman, our medical oncologist first to see if chemo is in our future before we see Dr. Grisell.

So, the "fight" or "battle" continues...this week should bring some clarity to what direction we head next. Father, we love you and praise you for all you're doing in and through our lives. I thank you that you continue to lead us and even carry us at times. Your Word tells us to wait on the Lord, to be strong, take heart and, again, wait on the Lord. Father, we're waiting as patiently as we know how, give us Your Peace. In Jesus' name...

"Don't Know Yet" news...

We had our 3:20pm follow-up appointment with Dr. Blouin today. She was supposed to look at her "handiwork" and remove the stitches. We also are waiting on 2 test results to come back so we were hoping to hear about that today also. I don't know why but both of us have been so nervous about both of these tests. I know we should have been nervous about all the other times but we really haven't. But these results could change our lives forever. One was the pathology test from the surgery, bad news here and we're looking at more surgery, next time would likely be a full blown mastectomy. The other test helps determine whether or not Allison would benefit from chemotherapy....a high score and she's pretty much guaranteed chemo, so we pray its low.

Dr. Blouin comes in and immediately relieves our stress a little..."we got it all! Pathology reports are clear, you don't have to see me again for 4-6 months." PRAISE THE LORD! There He goes again...."showing off"! She says she should have the results from the other test and that her assistant is looking for them. Right on cue her assistant knocks and comes in with the results. For what seems like 30 minutes we all hold our breath. Lord, seriously, would you show off twice in 2 minutes??? "Well, shoot, you don't make anything easy do you?", she says to Allison. Then she tells us that Allison's score is right in the center. Dang it. Low, no chemo, high, you get it....but center, what does that mean? "It means the oncologists are going to have to fight this one out", she says. She says she honestly doesn't know what Dr. Christman (our medical oncologist) will recommend in this situation. We will just need to make an appointment with her and see. Allison is visibly upset. Yes, its fantastic news that they got it all and that no further surgery is needed. She's very thankful for that. But at the same time her fear of chemo isn't squashed like she had hoped it might be.

She leads us to the "appointment lady" who attempts to make the appointment with Dr. Christman's office but they tell her they will have to call back. So we don't have a date yet, we hope to get that tomorrow.

Allison doesn't talk much on the way home. The thought of chemo is really bothering her. She knows she needs to face the possibility...that WE need to face the possibility but every time we think about it, its like a dream...or more like a nightmare.

Father, thank you so very much for the wonderful news we received today, thank you for hearing our prayers and for hearing the prayers of so many of our faithful family and friends. Now Father, give Allison comfort knowing that you are still holding her and that your plan is not to harm her but to help her. And Father let her know that she's not alone in this...she has me, she has her family and friends and that Father, most of all, she has You. You Lord are the Creator and Sustainer of life. You knew about this day, this disease, this trial...before she was ever born. You are still in control and we trust you to take us this next step. Yes we pray that chemo isn't needed and that You'll soon "show off" but Father not necessarily our will but Your Will be done. Its in Jesus' name....amen.

Tests...

Took my bride to our favorite romantic little corner of the world today for lunch...Moe's! :) We had a wonderful worship experience this morning at First Lyman. I feel so close to God there, there's just something re-energizing, re-freshing, re-you-fill-in-the-blank when I'm around God's People. Allison and I talked about the service, "Christmas Myths" and how much we enjoyed the morning. She had already asked me on the way to church when could we go to Moe's again. It was just us this afternoon because the kids were going shopping for the District 5 children this afternoon with the youth group. So I said, how about after church for lunch. She smiled in approval. (Like that's not what she was hinting at all along!)

I think the entire city of Greer came to Moe's today for lunch, the place was packed and lined out the door. But I really didn't mind the wait, I actually enjoyed it. It gave us time to talk, laugh, stare (some strange people in this world). We find a booth and begin enjoying our lunch. "Do you think we'll get the test results Tuesday at my appointment?", she asks. Boom...back to reality. Tuesday we meet Dr. Blouin for our surgery follow-up. We're waiting on 2 tests: one from the surgery, the same test they ran last time that forced us into "surgery #2" in the first place. We pray for a clean report, meaning no signs of cancer (there's that word again, I struggle just typing the letters) in the tissue samples from around where the original tumor was removed. The second test we're waiting on is one called Oncotype DX. It takes about 2 weeks to get the results and Tuesday will be about 2 weeks. This test looks at 21 different genes and measures the chances of your breast cancer returning and the likelihood of your benefiting from chemotherapy. You score from 0 to 100, with 0 being very little chance of recurrence and 100 being very likely. I've never prayed so hard for a big fat 0 on a test in my life!

God's Will will be done and He will be glorified through this. We're scared, it's a helpless feeling waiting on a test result that will potentially change your life. But our God is in control and will either lead us by the hand or carry us through this trial if He has to.

I don't know if we'll get results Tuesday or not, all I know is a "Joey Bag of Doughnuts" from Moe's with the woman you love is Heaven on Earth...

Round 2

What a long day! The daylight savings time doesn't help on days like today either...feels like its midnight and you look at the clock and see "7:35pm"...

Allison was a lot more emotional today than normal. I'm not sure if it was the fact she was having surgery for a second time in a few hours or if it was all the well-wishers on Facebook or if it was just "one of those days"...but we went through a few more Kleenex's today than normal.

She's still SuperWoman, last night she was up late ironing, washing dogs, folding clothes, and on and on..."I don't want to leave all of this for you to do after my surgery." Are you kidding me? Who does that?? She's the epitome of "selfless" when it comes to things like that. I forget what personality type she was when we did our personality tests at church but she was the one that does all the things behind the scenes and never likes to be recognized...yep, look that up in Websters and you'll see her picture.

We made it to Patewood by 12:00pm and everything was right on time. They called us back quickly, gave her the sexy paper gown (this one was high-tech, I'll explain later), and Dr. Blouin checked in and said we're right on schedule. But "on schedule" was 2:00pm so we still had a wait ahead of us. On the wall was a piece of equipment that looked like a vacuum with a long hose. The high-tech sexy paper gown had a "port" for this hose to connect to. When she turned it on warm air started blowing into her gown and she began to take the shape of the Michelin Man. Weird, but very cool technology.

About 1:50pm the nurse says "I'm here to give you the good drugs" and puts something into Allison's IV that didn't take long to relax her. She still doesn't remember kissing me before they rolled her away. Guess I've got to work on the ol' kissing skills.

Thinking it would take 45 minutes we sit in the waiting room and wait, and wait, and wait... Finally an hour and a half later they call me back. Dr. Blouin apologizes for taking so long. There were 3 places that she needed to remove more tissue. All I remember was 2 of them contained the letters "erior" (like posterior, superior, or something) and 1 was "lateral". The pathology reported that the 2 "eriors" came back clean but that the "lateral" still was showing signs of cancer (hate that word). Dr. Blouin removed more tissue...pathology...still showing signs. Finally a third layer of tissue was taken and it came back clean. Those samples will now be sent off for a more thorough test like the first surgery.

We go back Tuesday to see Dr. Blouin. Hopefully by then the full pathology reports will be back (Lord, please let there be no cancer) and hopefully also the other test that helps determine the need for chemo will be back. Our prayer obviously is that this won't be necessary but Father, your will, not necessarily our will be done.

In recovery she complained of soreness, she wasn't sore after the first surgery. Dr. Blouin says she'll be more sore this time, a lot of tissue has been removed. That was unexpected, for some reason we were thinking this one was going to be easier. "Easy" isn't part of the Cancer Dictionary. They gave her a shot of something that the nurse said was more powerful than morphine and then a prescription of meds (not Lortab this time, that gives her "devil dreams"!). I'm honestly afraid she's going to have a harder time recovering from this one than the first one. But God is good and will continue to provide His perfect healing.

I check Facebook and see our faithful friends and family lifting us up...you guys are so awesome. Father, thank you for another day of life, thank you for being in control, thank you that you knew about this day long before Allison was even born. We trust you in Your plans for us. We don't understand it sometimes and we question you, please forgive us for our continual lack of faith. But thank you that You are much bigger than our problems and much bigger than our lack of faith. You always welcome us back with open arms. Father thank you for carrying us through this. We love you.