Blah day...

Today wasn't so great. No appointments. No reports. No doctors of any kind. Just one of those days, you know? It seems as though the initial shock is wearing off a little and the reality of the situation is setting in.

Every time my mind falls on something else like work, TV, what's for lunch?, etc. it seems something or someone reminds me what's happening in our lives. I see that little pink ribbon everywhere now! Its like its following me!

Allison was pretty emotional last night and this morning... again, reality knocking... A plethora (always wanted to use that word) of cards keep arriving in our mailbox. Such kind words. Wow, how blessed we are to have so many people who love us. And if you're reading this, believe me, we love you right back.

It was such a blessing to be at choir tonight. We practiced for an hour and a half but it felt like 20 minutes. I love being around God's people. I feel my strength coming back.

O my people, trust Him all the time. Pour out your longings before Him, for He can help ~ Psalm 62:8

Waiting

Today Allison had an ultrasound, yet another test to make sure nothing is being missed. Allison said she kept looking at the ultrasound screen trying to see a baby! LOL... Praise the Lord that nothing else was found (including a baby!), so we're still just dealing with the one lump, 1.5cm in size. How could something that small stir up so much emotion? Pain. Sorrow. Fear. Hatred. I hate this little lump with all the hatred a person can have.

But then I think about a time to come...a time when we will look back on this dreadful experience and be able to see how our faith has grown, how our love for life and for each other has increased and hopefully be able to be a testimony and an encouragement to others. We've been flooded with prayers, cards, hugs and tears. I want to be THAT kind of person to someone else, but for now I need to be that for Allison. I'm supposed to be the rock, right now I don't feel very rock-like.

So now we wait... until Monday when we meet the surgeon and oncologists. We don't know the next step but I'm pretty sure on Monday we'll find out. I had no less than 10 people email me, call me and hug me today. Several asked if they could put us on their church's prayer list. Are you kidding? Absolutely and thank you from the bottom of my heart. God is most certainly being inundated with prayers about a little brunette from Lyman, SC tonight. But you know what? He loves it, He can handle the abundance of requests and He WILL be glorified!

Tiny victories

So yesterday morning Allison was scheduled for an MRI. We got there early and they took us straight back. About an hour before she took half a Lorazepam, (she's pretty carefree at this point!). The test took about an hour and we head home.

Praise the Lord for healthy, living parents! Allison and I both have both of our parents and they have been incredible through this journey, not that I expected anything less. They've always been there for us and they'll never know how special they are to us.

Milkshake? It's 10:00 in the morning?!? I thought the Lorazepam was messing with her head but OK, if you want a milkshake I'll find a milkshake. Allison's mom says she's a bad influence and orders one for herself. (Weightwatchers will not be happy about this!)...

After we get home Allison decides to give in to the peaceful affects of this miracle pill and for the next 5 hours I hear nothing from the bedroom. Rest. No worries. Watched over.

We get a call from the surgeon's office, they can see us Monday. This is really happening. Part of of me still wakes up each morning hoping that this has all just been a bad dream. No such luck.

THEN, another call from the doctor with the results from the MRI...nothing new! They want her to come in today for an ultrasound but with nothing new on the MRI we know we're dealing with just the one place that the biopsy found. I'll take it, this tiny victory made my night!

Amazing Friends

Once a year Zach and I go to a Carolina Panthers football game. I usually get the tickets months in advance and we carefully choose the game we want to go see. Today we were supposed to see the Cincinnati Bengals game. But God had other plans. 100% chance of rain in Charlotte made us decide to give up our $80 tickets and just stay at home. After deciding not to go to the game, I made another decision...I'm staying home from church today, just don't feel like being around alot of people. I told Allison. I could tell that wasn't in her plans today so I half-heartedly decided that we would go to church like we do every Sunday. I kept thinking "today is really going to be special, Satan is doing everything he can to keep me home". Wow, how God "showed off"!

I arrive early and every stare feels awkward. What is he thinking? Does she know? I keep finding excuses to leave the others in Sunday School and get ice, go to the bathroom, whatever, I just don't want to talk with anyone right now.

Time for class to start, what happened next was unexpected. "Does anyone have any prayer requests?"...I sure do, but I don't know if I can talk...I try, I can't seem to form words. I put a few together and then....dear Jesus, your children are amazing. Laying on of hands, sobs, sniffles, the Holy Spirit moving in an incredible way. I'm speechless. The prayer was perfect, thanks Kevin, you'll never know just how that made me feel.

The rest of the class time seems different somehow. I don't think anyone's mind is really on the lesson. Katie did a terrific job (as always) but I could tell it was hard for her. No one said alot, great job Chris, buzzkill! The bell rings, you know like it always does, I mean life DOES go on. It doesn't stop just because someone is having a bad day, it doesn't even stop when someone finds out they have cancer. There's something just not quite right about that.

Praise the Lord, 6 were baptized! With all the emotion in the room it was all I could do not to breakdown again. Time for the offering prayer, its Kevin's week. (have I mentioned God is good?). He continues where he left off in Sunday School...more sobs, more sniffles. Great message (as always).

Lots of hugs, teary eyes, "I'm sorry", "We're praying for you", "Let us know if you need anything"... I've said all those things a thousand times to others. This time its directed toward me. God, when I say it am I as sincere as these people saying it to me? I sure hope so.

I have amazing friends...I am truly blessed.

This happens to other people, not me...

Two weeks ago she said she "found something". Found something? What's that supposed to mean? It's probably nothing. I'm sure its nothing. I'll go to the doctor just to see, but I know its nothing.

Her doctor recommended an extensive mammogram. The mammogram "found something". But the doctor says he's seen lots of cancer and this isn't what it looks like, but we'll take a biopsy just to make sure.

Two days go by before we get "the call". She's happy that they called on Friday, this way we can find out the good news and won't have to worry about it all weekend. I know its nothing.

The nurse calls us back, says I'll get another chair so all of you can sit down. Allison's mom is with us. "Sit down"? Why do we need to sit down? His first words are "I'm sorry to have to tell you this...". The next 30 minutes they're talking and all I hear is blah blah cancer blah blah life expectancy blah blah blah...

Do we have a preference for a surgeon and an oncologist?? Why would we have a preference, we don't know why we're here. This can't be happening. MRI is scheduled for Monday, we'll get a more detailed report either Monday or Tuesday.

The ride home is pretty quiet, not much to say. I want to scream out, I want to cry, I want answers. We get home and go to the bedroom. A thousand tears later and its time to tell the kids. They both cry, not knowing (like us) what all this means and how its going to affect our family.

Word spreads pretty quickly...friends and family are calling, texting, emailing and Facebook-ing. So many prayers lifted, so many Bible verses offered. Yes, God is good and He IS a mighty God and He will deliver us. But right now its hard, its hard to pray. I start and then its just silence. God...hold me. I don't want Allison going through this. Give it to me! More tears.

Exhausted, we go to bed and sleep remarkably well (did I mention God is good?). Day 2 starts off sort of like any other day. Was it all just a dream? No, not a dream so there go a few more tears...

God, your strength is made perfect in my weakness...I confess my weakness before you now. I don't even know what to pray. I just want to wake up and see the sun shine again. Please, hold me. I trust you on this journey as it promises to be a difficult one. Carry me, and help me carry Allison. I love this woman Father that you've given me more than life. She's alot stronger than me Lord, but she needs your Hand of Comfort and Healing. I pray your Mercies and pray them in Jesus' name...amen.