Welcome to Moe's!

Allison and I had a romantic dinner at Moe's last night (don't laugh). We talked about a lot of things but our conversation always came back to her BC (I still don't like saying the words). That's pretty typical nowadays. Last night was different though, there we were in Moe's, the place was full of sound, people laughing, order's being placed, "welcome to Moe's"...but we were tucked away in the corner booth and tearing up at the thought of how overwhelmed we both are at the love others continue to pour into us. 80 other people in the restaurant yet alone in our conversation.

She wonders if she's in denial. She just feels like everything is going to be OK and that others seem to be more upset about it than she is. I told her recently I've felt the exact same way but that I felt like that is God's Hand of Protection. Amazingly, we haven't really been worried. Since Day 1 we've trusted that God will get us through this and I told her last night that in a crazy sort of way I'm actually enjoying this journey with her. We are being shown daily the blessings of God. We've become closer in the last 4 weeks than we have in the last 21 years of marriage. We have more friends than we ever imagined, true friends, the "2AM" kind. Granted, it would have been wonderful to have experienced these blessings in a different way but God's ways are greater than mine so we'll just thank Him and trust.

Tonight she leaves with the church youth group, Caylie and Zach are going with her. Yep, Mr. Bachelor for the weekend! Just me and 3 dogs...pray that we still have 3 when she gets home Sunday! She jumped at the chance to be a chaperon when she heard the camp had a zip-line..."really? you want to ride the zip-line?"....I mean, I like that kind of stuff but I just never would have thought she would...pretty cool! She never ceases to amaze me. I pray she has a fantastic time and that the students and adults get to experience God in a fresh new way this weekend!

Surgery is still on schedule for November 4, pre-Op on November 2. I'm sure a lot of things will change after November 4 but two things will remain: Allison will surely continue to amaze me and God WILL show off!

3 weeks...

So, 3 weeks ago today we were busy thinking about the Byrnes football game and all the relaxing things that weekends provide. Hours later our world, our faith would be shaken to its foundations. Each of the last 21 days has provided a sunrise, a sunset, work, school, television...you name it. In other words, each day has been a "normal" day. Yet our idea of "normal" has changed from what it was 21 days ago.

Not a day has gone by that we don't get another encouraging card in the mailbox. I never truly appreciated the feeling that a handwritten card can give. I've grown to love that walk back from the mailbox. Our friends and family continue to build us up. The Body of Christ healing itself...amazing!

Now another "3 weeks" period of time is on my mind. In 3 weeks from yesterday Allison will have had her surgery and will be resting here at home. I wonder how she'll feel... sore? most certainly... scared? depressed? Or will she be relieved and anxious about moving past this? How will I handle it? Will I be able to be that steady rock she's supposed to find in her husband? God, please give me the courage to be that rock and the wisdom to point her to You.

Tonight is Breast Cancer Awareness night at the Byrnes game, the first home game since the one we missed on that awful day 3 weeks ago. They say its supposed to be a "pink out". Caylie and some of her friends had their pink shirts "customized". Several had "A. Walker" airbrushed on the back. Caylie had "Mommy" airbrushed on her's. Wow, what an amazing tribute. Already we've been told "I'm doing this for you" and "This is in honor of your mom Caylie". I know its not and I know it sounds selfish, but it makes me happy to think that this entire night is in honor and dedication to the woman I love. That everyone there is dressed in pink just for her, nudging her and encouraging her in this journey.

So...3 weeks... a lot sure can happen in such a short period of time.

God, let this journey and our response to it be gratifying to You and may Your Glory be displayed.

Punch Bug!

Punch bug, blue one! Punch bug, white one! My arm's going to be black and blue before we get to the doctor's office but I don't mind...I'm glad she's in a good mood. Thrilled actually!

Another doctor's office, no cappuccino machines but free wireless...score! I update my Facebook status while sitting on the sofa and in the 15 minutes it takes to be called back I already have half a dozen "we're praying" replies. You just don't realize how encouraging that is until you're on "this side" of the replies. OK, some may think Facebook is silly or whatever but it has been invaluable to me over the last few weeks. The encouragement we've received has been overwhelming and most of it is due to this crazy little social network application invented by a couple of college roommates. Crazy how God blesses us in the most unusual ways.

"Allison Walker" is called and we go back thinking we will meet in Dr. Blouin's office and schedule surgery. Instead we're escorted to Exam Room 2. Allison is not happy...another exam?!? Haven't I been poked and prodded enough? A nurse asks her to take her top off and leaves the room. I try to lighten the mood by making "stripper music sounds". To my surprise she actually laughs! I tell her the paper gown looks sexy and that I can see through it, OK I may have just crossed the line. "Sorry, love you" . She smiles, we're good.

Dr. Blouin tells us that another test she was waiting on came back negative (a good thing!) and that, coupled with the fact that the second spot was benign (thank you Jesus) everything is looking very positive! She was pleased with everything so she sends us to Nancy who sets up the surgery date. After going day by day through the Outlook calendar (dang she's popular) we finally land on November 4. Our day. The day that this cursed-little-disease-infested lump is forever removed from my lovely bride. Allison wishes it was tomorrow, she's ready to get past all this. I am too. But patient we will be until the appointed time.

Going to all these doctor offices isn't good for my cholesterol. Seems like every time we leave one we stop at the nearest Zaxby's or Jack in the Box and get milkshakes! But today its OK, we celebrated! I'm thinking "this milkshake sure is good" as I hear her say "Punch bug, red one!". I love this bruise!

A good day!

Another tiny…no HUGE victory! The second spot that concerned the surgeon last week ended up being benign! Just got word today…there He goes again SHOWING OFF! Our God is amazing, powerful and sovereign!

So tomorrow we meet with the surgeon. We don’t really know what to expect. I’m not sure if she’ll schedule the surgery or what. I’m guessing she will, but when, how, where, etc. we just don’t know yet. Hopefully my already overloaded brain will be able to comprehend what she tells us tomorrow and we’ll know our next steps.

Odd...just like I had a strange feeling we would get bad news on our very first doctor’s appointment (I never told anyone that), I had the same strange feeling that everything would be OK this time. And I have the same strange feeling again that this journey will be OK, that we’ll make it and be able to praise God and tell others what He has done for us. Is that the Holy Spirit giving me comfort? Is that what it feels like to hear His voice? If so, then well, show off God...show off!

Hooker shoes and hard drives...

7:30am? Who schedules biopsies that early? Don't they know that means Allison needs to get up at like 3:30? Just kidding, it doesn't take her long anymore. She's figured out how to get ready in lightspeed in order to optimize the amount of time she gets to sleep. She enjoys sleep...she didn't get much last night. Nerves. Mind racing. Let's get this over with.

Nice, they have a coffee/cappuccino machine in the waiting room! I didn't have to stop at Palms and buy that cup. Wireless, another bonus. These doctor offices are pretty nice...wish we didn't have this "opportunity" to discover that though.

My mind switches gears to the dead hard drive sitting in the computer at home. I hate computers sometimes. Why did I get into IT again?? Other people's computer problems are one thing, having your own computer die is entirely different. I don't look forward to the weekend "project" that I wasn't planning on.

Allison comes out after about an hour, everything went well and they tell her they'll call her with the results on Monday. We were expecting to hear the news on Tuesday when we meet with Dr. Blouin. So this is good....right? Not sure she wants to hear bad news over the phone though. But wait a minute, it won't be bad news! No cancer in the second "spot"...that's what we'll hear when they call Monday. She's been a little emotional this morning, hopefully with this behind her and a nap ahead of her she'll be better this afternoon.

We stop at Best Buy so I can get a new hard drive for my weekend "project", hit Panera for a quick light breakfast and then, oh no...she sees the shoe store! NO! It wasn't too bad though, my Facebook friends got to see it, she wanted some boots. I told her she could get them if she would try on the black hooker shoes on the Clearance rack and let me take a picture! She does it, we both laugh, good therapy. I love her.

We're home now and she's laying down trying to catch up on the sleep she didn't get last night. God, let her rest.

God's "weaving"

It always amazes me (I know it shouldn't anymore) how God "weaves" people and events into our lives and our circumstances. We continue to receive more cards, hugs and emails than we can count. Yesterday before 9am I had already had 6 people tell me at work that they had been praying for me. Most of which I had no idea they even knew what was going on.

But here's the cool part...one tells me she's been on the same medication that Allison is probably going to be on for the last 4 years (its a 5 years regiment) and hasn't had any problems whatsoever, very encouraging. One tells me he read the blog and forwarded it to his wife, she reads it and realizes that the surgeon we picked was her surgeon a while back and loved her. And finally one reads the blog and told me his wife works for our oncologist (Christman) an that she's a wonderful Christian lady. The cool thing about this was we weren't supposed to even have Dr. Christman initially. At the last minute she and another doctor switched Monday's so we ended up with her. I'm told the other doctor is really good too but that she's not a Christian. God's children treating God's children...that's comforting to us.

One change in Allison's schedule...the doctor isn't available Friday to do the biopsy of the other area so that has been scheduled for Monday and we will still meet with the surgeon again on Tuesday.

**Update: the office had a cancellation so now she WILL have a biopsy Friday morning at 7:30am as scheduled.

So, even though I can't see the big picture I will trust God in each of my "today's". Father, show me how to trust you today and thank you that you work all things (ALL things) for the good of those who love you and who are called according to your purpose (Romans 8:28)...you are the great "Weaver".

So it begins...

We arrive for our first meeting with the surgeon and oncologists 15 minutes earlier than our scheduled appointment. For the next hour we wait. Wheelchairs, walkers, gray hair, bald heads... Are we really in the right place?? We feel so out of place, we feel so young, so healthy. Certainly this isn't where we are supposed to be.

"Walker"...that's us, let's go. After a quick height/weight check we go back to tiny exam room. Either Allison has shrunk 1/4" or either she never was 5 foot to begin with! Jo is Allison's "breast navigator", I never knew such a job existed! I could say something very inappropriate here but I know Allison will read this and I don't want to get punched in the stomach so I'll just keep my crude comments to myself. :P

Jo is a wonderful lady who was very compassionate and helpful. She lays out the events of the day and tell's us that Dr. Blouin, our surgeon will join us in a few minutes.

Dr. Blouin, knocks and let's herself in. She's super nice and we immediately feel comfortable with her. She tells us this looks like "stage 1" cancer but if it has gotten into the lymph nodes it will be "stage 2". They won't know that until after the surgery. Please God, let it just be a "1".

When Allison had her initial ultrasound they actually found another place that semi-concerned them. Dr. Blouin wants to get a biopsy of that location too so that she knows everything she is dealing with before surgery. We schedule that biopsy for Friday and are tentatively scheduled to meet Dr. Blouin again next Tuesday to go over the results and schedule the surgery. She agrees Allison would be better off just having the lumpectomy (praise the Lord) so that's the plan unless anything changes.

The next doctor is Dr. Grisell, he's the radiation oncologist and explains the radiation procedure that Allison will most likely go through after the surgery. Doesn't sound too bad, possible fatigue and sunburn-like rash but all in all nothing terrible.

The final doctor is Dr. Christman (hmmm "Christ-man", I like it). She is another compassionate doctor who we immediately felt very comfortable with. She is the medical oncologist and explains the hormone therapy and possibility of chemo. Allison looks at me. She doesn't want chemo. Everything up to this point Allison has readily accepted the challenge, but not chemo, not the hair loss and sickness. So, we have a new prayer...God please don't let chemo be necessary, but as always, not our will but YOUR will be done.

We leave the office feeling a huge sense of relief. Nervous about what the future holds but relief that we know what our next step is. God rarely gives you the entire picture, He generally just shows you the next step and we simply have to trust that He will take us past that step and on to the next.

Monday is probably my favorite "TV night", but tonight I just want to kiss my wife and kids, tell them I love them and let God rock me to sleep. I want to crawl up into my Father's arms and experience the "peace that transcends all understanding". How does anyone who doesn't have a relationship with Christ deal with life's trials? I cannot imagine. Hold me Jesus, I'm sleepy.

Irony...

So, I just found out that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I don't think we'll have any trouble being "aware" of breast cancer this month. You know, I've participated in Relay For Life, walked the track, raised money but this year its obviously different.

This year, in general, has been extremely difficult. I haven't enjoyed 2010 and I keep looking forward to 2011. I've never been that way, I've always enjoyed most days and each year has always been better than the previous one but not this year, not 2010.

The year started with troubles at work, troubles that have been piling up for a couple of years, culminating in 2010. I begin to think about a career change for the first time in 15 years. In February Dad has a heart attack (he's doing great now, praise the Lord!). A couple of months later Allison's dad has major surgery, from which he's been recovering and still struggles with today. We didn't get to take our "normal" vacation in June. Hilton Head is always our "escape", but with so many other issues going on we decided to not go anywhere this year. A month ago at work, I find out that 30+ IT staff are being let go in November. I'm safe (thank you Lord) but lots of good people are being let go because of poor decisions made. Such a shame and I pray for each one of you that this will turn out to be a blessing in your life.

Now this, September 24, 2010... this must go down in the Chris Walker Hall of Bad Days as the worst day in 2010, if not my life. Even today, a week later, it still doesn't feel real. But real it is, and Monday when we talk with the surgeons I'm sure we'll begin to realized just how real things are right now. We were told that we would go through several emotions, one of which is "let's get on with this and get back to normal life"...that's where we both are right now. So as much as we may be nervous about Monday we are equally ready to move on and get past it.

God is amazing, Breast Cancer Awareness month, the same month that Allison is treated for it... "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~ Psalm 139:14