Good Week...

Last weekend's "blah" was erased this week as Allison really had a nice string of good days. Praise the Lord! So, being pretty obvious as to why, it appears as though the week she has her treatment is when she feels the worst and when the bed is her best friend. The first treatment resulted in 3 bad days, a Friday, Saturday, Sunday. On this past treatment the "bad" began on Thursday. I know chemo builds on itself but I'm hoping the "bad" doesn't begin to linger past the initial week.

Her blood counts last week were low (990) but not as low as the previous treatment so I guess the Neulasta is doing its job. She didn't have muscle or bone pain initially from the shot (again PTL!), although over the last few days she's had some bone/muscle aches that we're attributing to the Neulasta. We're thankful its not unbearable though like some of the stories we read.

This weeks starts week 2 (after treatment), if it is anything like last time her sleepy tastebuds will begin to wake up and her body will begin feeling "normal" again. Friday we have a meeting with Dr. Christman, we sincerely hope and pray that she tells us that 4 treatments is all she has to have. That's my prayer request this week.

Cards, meals and phone calls continue to overwhelm us. I don't take any of this for granted. Every trip back from the mailbox is a "wow" moment. Some names are "repeat well wishers", others are new, all are treasured. Its obvious that our Lord is in complete control. He gives us the healing we need at just the right moment, His timing is always perfect. This week at choir I learned a new name for God. I'm sure I've heard it before but it didn't register until now because of our current circumstances... Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals. (another tiny whisper that I may have not heard 6 months ago)...

Jehovah Rapha, You ARE the God who heals. I thank You for healing Allison and countless others from this terrible disease, a disease certainly brought on by the sins of man. One day all disease will pass away as we share in Your Kingdom, until then we will attempt to live the life You designed for us. Help us Lord and guide our steps today. Today is all I ask. You said you would be a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball for the future. Help me to trust You in the future as you are already there! Praise God! I pray we find out this week that Allison only has to endure 2 more treatments and I pray, Jehovah Rapha that You would continue to heal and strengthen her body, making her stronger than ever before, in mind, body and especially in spirit. In Jesus' name...

Rough Weekend...

Well, I've had better weekends and I KNOW Allison has. Chemo won a few battles this week but it will not defeat us. Praise the Lord, the Neulasta shot hasn't been an issue. I mean, nothing, no bone pain, no flu-like symptoms, nothing...so for that we're most grateful. But the complete lack of energy, appetite and desire to get out of bed is a bit much at times.

Stomach cramps, nausea, nosebleeds, heart racing, not able to sleep, then when you finally achieve sleep you can't get out of bed. Other than that, she's doing great! :)

I missed being at church today, there's just something about being with God's children that re-energizes me. Usually Sunday's is just what I need to get me through the rest of the week, so without it, I feel sort of lost as I begin this week's activities.

But there was no lack of love from family and friends. You would expect that over time the cards, emails, Facebooks, meals, etc. would begin to come less frequently. But not my family...not my friends...I'm still overwhelmed and I guess I always will be. I can't wait to give back some of what's been given to us throughout this trial we're journeying through.

This week's appointments are Tuesday and Friday...both are blood tests to make sure her white blood cells aren't dropping too low. Friday is the appointment with Dr. Christman, we should find out then if we're in for 4 treatments or 6...we're praying obviously for 4. If so, then we're half way there!

So, its been a long weekend. I pray for a better week as we move into week 2...last time things got a little better the second week. But I also know that chemo sort of builds on itself...each treatment compounding the previous treatment, so we'll have to wait and see. All I know is that I'm exhausted, so Father, I need you to carry me for a couple of days as I try to help Allison. Give me the strength to be her rock, help me to say the right things, do the right things and care for her in a way that makes her feel protected, safe and loved...in Jesus' name....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Overwhelmed

I just don’t get it….I don’t get how God can use this trial, OUR trial to affect others for His Glory. But then I don’t get how airplanes fly or ships float either. Heck, I don’t even understand how Post-it Notes can stick just enough to each other that they don’t all rip out in your hand when you pull one off! I’m pretty simple minded, just ask anyone who knows me! :) OK, its our trial, mine and Allison’s…but shouldn't other people just be going about their own lives? Don’t my family and friends have troubles and trials of their own that they need to focus on right now? Apparently not because everywhere I turn, everyone I talk to is asking “How’s Allison today?”… I’m so completely overwhelmed at everyone’s concern…tears come much more frequently now, but not in a sad way, in a totally humbled “I can’t believe you care so much” way.

Comment after comment about how OUR trial is bringing them to a closer relationship to Christ, how OUR trial has been an encouragement to their lives and how OUR trial has been an inspiration to them. I don't get it. But I praise the Lord for it. Maybe we're too close to the situation to see how strongly its affecting others around us. All I know is somehow God is using this trial to bring glory to Himself, funny thing is, I knew He would!

I told my brother in Christ, James, today that I actually feel a little guilty because it doesn’t really feel like things are all that bad. We’re going to get through this and be able to look back one day saying “wow, look what God carried us through!”…what a testimony and I’m looking so forward to that day. It feels like everyone is taking a tiny bit of our burden and placing it on their own shoulders lessening ours and allowing us to make it through yet another day. God’s children doing God’s business…the way it was meant to be.

Today Allison had the Neulasta shot…in her stomach (yes, in her stomach). “Oh it wasn’t that bad”, she tells me! I had no idea 21 years ago that I was marrying SuperWoman. Now we wait…we wait to see if the dreaded side effects that this shot is legendary for actually develop or not. We’ve taken every precaution that they have recommended, now we just wait.

Tonight she's tired, the steroids don't let her rest well so the sleep she so desperately seeks avoids her again. Tonight sounds like a "whole Lorazepam night" (instead of a "half")! Father, let her sleep tonight, let SuperWoman rest and thank you for our faithful family and friends, I'm overwhelmed, we're blessed and Father, to You I give all glory.

Ding Ding Round 2

So, 3 weeks have gone by and its time for chemo treatment #2 (of only 4 we hope). Allison has felt so good for the past week that I really hated to take her back to have another atomic bomb dropped in her. Her taste buds had even started working again (before that everything tasted the same, a bit like cardboard).

We say a prayer together and head to the cancer center for round 2. We've made this trek so many times lately that I halfway think I could sleep and the car would still know where to go. Today the parking lot was more full than normal. A lot of people are fighting this dreadful disease and fighting it very courageously I might add. You can just see the contentment on everyone's face. There's no longer that fear that everyone most certainly had at first. These "veterans" walk through each day with courage like I've never known.

When we first found out about Allison's cancer I couldn't understand why everyone else just continued their life as if nothing was wrong. "My wife has cancer, how can you still go to work?" "Why isn't this all over the news?" "How is the world still spinning and the sun still rising and setting like it always has?".....My world had stopped so I wanted everyone else's world to stop too. Certainly I was having my own little pity party and bitterness wanted to work its way into my inventory of emotions but then...."This is YOUR trial...YOUR opportunity to let Me Show Off, and I will if you'll let Me". At that moment it stopped being about me and I realized it was all about God. These people at the cancer center seem to have realized this also. Or at least they "fake" it well.

Today was the "graduation day" for one of the patients, no balloons or party favors but everyone was very happy for them. They were leaving the office and heading to Charleston for a few days. Lord, how I long for "our" graduation day!

Allison's white blood count dropped too low after her first treatment so this time they're wanting to give her a shot of Neulasta. She has that tomorrow. I've read some horror stories about it, flu-like bone pain, words like "unbearable" and "excruciating" are used when describing it. Father, please show off and spare Allison this pain, but even still Your will be done.

We're home now, she's lying down...tired. This week will probably be a little challenging but with our Lord's help we will be able to face round 3 in a few weeks. Oh, and the Body of Christ healing itself again....Tollie and Ashley brought dinner for us tonight. God's timing is perfect...

Oorah Marine

She woke up "ready", tired of constantly running her fingers through her hair and pulling out more each time. Tired of seeing the mound of hair get bigger after each brush.

In this world we store up boxes and boxes of mental "life moments". In this one I see tons of presents under the Christmas tree when I was a child. Over here is high school, complete with the pains and joys that followed me, the last picture in that box is graduation night. Then I have the one of our children being born, both were in the middle of the night and it was cold. But then over here is a black box full of snapshots since late September 2010...not all are painful, here's the one of Allison "floating" on Lorazepam and eating a chocolate milkshake. But most aren't as enjoyable...the one of the doctor saying "I hate to tell you this but...", the one of Dr. Christman saying "and that's why I'm recommending chemo"...and yesterday I added a new one...walking into the bathroom to see Allison holding the scissors with a sad but determined look on her face.

It started with her holding the back and in less than 3 seconds her long hair was gone and a "bob" was born. She cut for a while with the scissors, she looked like a kid cutting gum out of her hair. Then she picked up the trimmers, selected the lowest blade guard and began. We didn't talk. A single tear fell down her face as she removed what God had blessed her with. When she cut all she could reach she handed the trimmers to me and I finished the job that any Marine barber would have been proud of. Yeah, this is one picture I wish wasn't in the box.

But afterward a strange thing happened...relief. It was now behind her. It was over. God's Grace was all over the moment. Dear Cancer, is that all you got??? You can't beat this lady so stop trying!! She's a member of the few, the proud...the forgiven.

Father, continue to give Allison the grace she needs. Give her self confidence and help her to realize that she's beautiful, even more beautiful now than she was before yesterday. May she feel Your arms around her and help me to be a source of strength when she needs it. We continue to love and trust, in Jesus' name...

Snow Days

Snow began falling Sunday night, but earlier in the day Allison faced a storm of her own. The "hair thing" had been happening since Friday, each day the amount she pulled out the hairbrush grew. So, she made arrangements with a dear friend (thank you Kim) to seriously begin facing the inevitable. Kim cut and styled the wig but together they decided Allison wasn't emotionally ready to cut her own hair, so she put on the wig and came home.

When I saw her for the first time I assumed she had cut her hair but I was amazed and how much better the wig looked. Zach thought it was her own hair...a tiny affirmation that she desperately needed.

Today is day 3 of the "Blizzard of 2011"...I've been working from home. Thank you Father for a job that allows me to do that. Allison has been busy...busy cleaning out closets, washing/ironing clothes....and busy making caps that will eventually cover the fact that she is fighting this terrible disease. She's actually felt good for the last several days, but the emotional side of things can be overwhelming at times.

She wasn't ready Sunday to do anything about her hair, but God has once again provided Grace and she's about ready to make that decision. One way we know is that the tears come a little less often than they did just a few days ago. Just a little.

Being stuck inside because of the snow has pretty much forced us to slow down. And its given us an opportunity to reflect on all that's happening. Emotionally I think Allison would have had a hard time going to work this week, so I'm going to believe that the "Blizzard" was created just for us...God has an amazing way of forcing us to acknowledge him.

A friend of mine showed me a verse this week that I don't ever remember seeing. Job 37:6-7 says “He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. Then everyone stops working so they can watch his power." WOW! How appropriate. How true.

Father, as I look out at the snow that You so sovereignly directed, I acknowledge and recognize Your Power. Lord, Your Ways are amazing, Your Power is limitless, Your Timing is perfect. I pray as we go through the days, weeks and months ahead that You will constantly remind us of this Truth and that You will continue to provide the grace and healing that Allison needs. I thank You for the comfort and direction You provide each moment and I thank You for providing me the opportunity to share these moments with the woman I love. Hold us Jesus, its in Your name I pray...

Hair

We found out that Allison had cancer on a Friday like any other Friday in September. The first thing I thought of was "oh my goodness, is she going to die"? I honestly think the first think that Allison thought was "oh my goodness, am I going to lose my hair"? I've been losing my hair since 1980-something...yeah I'd like to have a nice full set of follicles but I'm content (my word of the year). But its different for women. For women hair is an important thing, for some its even their identity. Allison was known as "Farrah" in school (for you children of the 70's you'll understand the reference). Hair, her identity.

When I first met Allison in 1987 she had short hair, really short but styled in such a perfect way that it caught my attention. It was very "un-Farrah like". She was always receiving compliments on her hair. "Who's your stylist?" "I wish my hair would look good short"... Hair, her identity.

So many people are so concerned for her (for us, actually). I can't begin to tell you how many cards and letters she's received, she's kept every one of them. They're in alphabetical order by last name (she gets her OCD tendencies from me). Everyone wants to say the "right thing"..."my aunt had cancer and she didn't lose any of her hair", "this lady at work had chemo and she never lost her hair", "it'll grow back, its just hair". They say it as words of encouragement but the fact of the matter is Allison is taking 2 different medications (atomic bombs) in her chemo cocktail. Cytoxan only thins the hair, Taxotere removes it. Yeah, God may very well say "I'm going to show off here and let Farrah keep her hair", but the reality is that she'll lose it. They told us it would be 10-14 days when she would first notice it. The small mound of loose hair on the bathroom counter reminded us that today is Day 10.

I can't imagine what she may be going through each time she shampoo's or brushes her hair. The constant "is it falling out yet" scare. She's certainly handling it better than I would (if I had any hair to lose).

Yeah, it'll grow back, its only hair...a lot easier to say from the outside looking in. For Farrah, its really personal, her identity. So I pray for God's Grace to overflow to the point that she can give up this "identity" if only temporary and to know and believe that a blessing beyond her wildest dreams awaits on the other side of this. With or without she'll always be Farrah to me. I loved Farrah in the 70's (didn't we all) and I still love her today.

Contentment

I picked "Contentment" as my 2011 word of the year. I long for it and the Bible tells us to pursue it so I feel like that's the attitude I need to develop. It still blows my mind to think that in ALL circumstances we CAN be "content", but its true. Its not something that comes natural to us as human beings, we're always wanting something more...better...faster...bigger...healthier. And when we don't get it we tend to pout and complain to God that we really NEED that thing we so desperately chase. But we have all we NEED in God, we can and should be content. But its hard and God knows that. I don't think He blames us for feeling the way we do, He understands...He just wishes we would trust Him more because He knows what the future holds. So, Father, help me to be content in 2011 in all of my circumstances.

The first 2 days after chemo, Allison actually felt really good. We attribute that to the steroids she has to take the day before chemo and the 2 days following. But days 3-5 were rough. She didn't have the energy to do much of anything. She spent most of the day either in bed or on the sofa. Nosebleeds, terrible back pains, exhaustion, head tingling and acne? Are you kidding me? Acne too? How can something that does all this to your body be good for you?

We spent all afternoon and evening watching mushy movies together on ABC Family. I didn't even feel like watching football yesterday...maybe I should go to the doctor too! We had 3 people stop by, Katie brought food, 2 frozen casseroles that we'll enjoy (one is tonight!). Shelby brought a teddy bear, she said her mom had one when she went through cancer and it simply meant the world to her (it smells like chocolate too!). And finally Rhonda dropped off a hand made prayer shawl, wow, so much thought, love and prayer that went into making this. Allison was deeply touched by all 3 gifts, we both were. God's children just seem to know exactly what to say and when to say it.

Tomorrow we go in for blood work and week 2 begins. They originally said the "hair thing" would begin in week 2. She's scared, afraid of what its going to be like. I love this little brunette from Lyman, SC and she's the most beautiful thing in this world to me. I hope she knows this and I hope she knows that when the "hair thing" happens I still will think she's the most beautiful little brunette in the world.

Contentment...its not easy but its possible. Our Lord gives us everything...everything...we need to follow the path He lays out for us. Through trials and mountaintops He provides, so let's all be content with what we have.